Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Kidney Stones - all they are cracked up to be

"You know, PhyrePhox," Judge Fang said, "I really appreciate the moments of levity and even childlike wonder that you are injecting into this process.  So often when we strap people to the torture rack, they are unpleasantly tense and hardly any fun at all to be around."
 "Hey, man, I'm into new experiences.  I get lots of experience points for this, huh?"

'The Diamond Age', Neal Stephenson

Well boy howdy did I get a truck-load of experience points today.  Like .. my first ambulance ride.  And my first CT scan.[1]

I've always heard that kidney stones hurt.  This is how much they hurt;

The way it feels when you take a hard blow to the crotch, how it's pain but beyond pain and all you want to do is curl up in a little ball and whimper and it takes forever to go away but it's really over in a minute and in five you're right as rain?

I had the feeling for three hours today. 

But there is more!  Every so often I had these really actually incredible spikes of pain where it felt like one of my testicles was being crushed by a vise.  Actual pain to go along with the 'kicked in the crotch by a horse' feeling.

In the end the gals in the ER had enough of my crying and whimpering and begging for a bullet and they gave me Diploids or Diplodocus or some really cool drug that started with a 'd' and that settled me right the heck down.

"On a scale of 1 to 10 your pain is  .."

"Zero. Gimme some more of that Diocletian stuff, maaaaan."

[1] Don't let me hear you say the 21st century sucks.  CT scans are fucking awesome.  I, myself, can't wait for Obama Care to ration those fuckers like I hear they are in England.

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