Vienna Fingers as an acceptable substitute for floor columns

From the interesting blog 'Screw Loose Change'

Our regular commenter Chad put up a comment that I simply had to promote to the front page so that more of you could read it. Replying to the "Science Marches On!" post below, Chad commented:

That reminds me of the recent experiment I did to test the beam-weapon theory.

Taking my cues from Judy Wood herself, I constructed two towers out of a combination of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies (floor trusses), Vienna Fingers (core columns), and Wheatables Crackers (exterior columns).

I then stole my neighbors Heavy Duty Craftsman Wet/Dry Vac and re-wired it from "suck" to "blow". (Safety Note: If you are unfamiliar with the electrical workings of appliances like I am, make sure the equipment is not plugged into a power source. I received a nasty shock while converting the device and now suffer from a constant buzzing in my brain that suspiciously sounds like Dick Cheney humming "Old Man River".) I then duct-taped a funnel over the vaccuum hose to concentrate the "beam" of "energy" into a more focused stream.

I placed my confectionary towers out on the sidewalk and took my reconfigured beam weapon up to the roof of my apartment building to simulate the distance from space. (Editor's note: I found that roof access was strictly prohibited in my building complex. Undoubtedly, the building is owned and operated by the NWO who had gotten wind of my experiment and were trying to impede my progress. Ironically, the door was unlocked....) I then aimed the hose/funnel at the towers, and turned the vac on.

Approximately five and a half days later, the fudge in the floor trusses started to melt. Ignoring the fact that some asshole Jersey driver drove up onto the sidewalk and ran over my towers, thereby destroying them, I am positive that the buildings were about to instantaneously disintegrate into a fine, pulverized, crumb-like dust.

This is proof positive that a beam weapon was used.